In order for an apology to count, you actually have to say the words. It\u2019s easy to scoot it into a corner by re-directing their attention. Kids are easy like that. You can tell a joke or shuffle them outside and they\u2019re off on their new trajectory. But that\u2019s not dealing with your lapse in judgment or their hurt. You will never distill the \u201cwe all know that was wrong\u201d vibe in the air unless you say the words, \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d So, say it. It\u2019s humbling. But that\u2019s the point. They will learn to take responsibility for their own mistakes if you do.<\/p>\n

2 | Link the behavior to the apology<\/h1>\n

Finish the sentence, \u201cI\u2019m sorry for\u2026\u201d Their attention spans are short. If it\u2019s been more than a minute, they\u2019re going to need you to guide them back to the point. \u201cI\u2019m sorry for threatening to leave you in the car if you take your shoes off one more time. I wouldn\u2019t actually leave you in the car.\u201d They need to understand what precisely you are apologizing for. No, you will not abandon them and, yes, you will try to be a tiny bit less snarky about it (at least out loud).<\/p>\n

3 | Trade emotions<\/h1>\n

This one can make you want to go ahead and put a deposit in your child\u2019s therapy fund, but you have to ask them how they felt when you did whatever it was that warranted the apology. I\u2019ve gotten, \u201cYou made me feel mad, Mommy\u201d and \u201cYou hurt my feelings right here,\u201d at which point they place their tiny hands on their hearts. That one went into my therapy fund.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s where it works in your favor: You get to tell them how their behavior made you feel. \u201cIt hurts Mommy right here (points to head) and here (points to heart) when you don\u2019t listen to me. I\u2019m just trying to keep you happy and safe. That\u2019s it.\u201d In this way, they get to see that their actions and words affect you just as much as yours affect them.<\/p>\n

4 | Take a time out<\/h1>\n

Sometimes you just can\u2019t apologize in the moment. And it\u2019s no good to say sorry when you\u2019re not. We explain it to our kids all the time: \u201cSay sorry and mean it.\u201d I can\u2019t mean it if I\u2019m still spinning out about the ruined bedspread that is now a Crayola work of art and I\u2019ve yelled hard enough to rattle my own eardrums. So, I send myself into a time out. I take a minute or five to breathe away from the maelstrom. Then I go back and apologize and so do they and we talk about all the feels and how to color\u2026on paper.<\/p>\n