\u201cI don\u2019t want you. I don\u2019t want you. I don\u2019t want you.\u201d<\/h1>\n

It\u2019s the phrase we fear in the deepest darkest pit of our psyches where junior high dates and first periods go to die. It\u2019s the phrase that spills angst all over our best laid plans for autonomy.<\/p>\n

Now put that on repeat and blast it on your biggest 80s boom box and you\u2019ve got a sense of my current mental state. No woman is an island. But can you just send me to one until this storm passes?<\/p>\n

You know that phrase \u201cDaddy\u2019s girl?\u201d It\u2019s cute, isn\u2019t it? You picture a nightgown-ed daughter dancing on her Daddy\u2019s feet and field trips to Home Depot for dollhouse supplies.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s a behind-the-scenes for the Mommy in the Daddy\u2019s girl trio:<\/p>\n

My three-year-old kicks me in the sternum while I wrestle her into her pajamas while she screams, \u201cI want Daddy to do it!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have three kids, kiddo,\u201d I say and dodge a foot. \u201cThat means, luck of the draw, you\u2019ve got me tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her response? A totally non-ironic kick to my uterus along her personalized c-section scar while she tries to scramble away.<\/p>\n

I tap out at that point \u2026 just lay back onto the hardwood floor and watch her scissor kick in circles with her Paw Patrol pajama pants halfway up like a little old lady stuck in her pantyhose.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the thing. I love that she loves her dad. I love that they have a special bond and he \u201cgets her\u201d in all her stubborn toddlerness. I also get that this could very well be a phase \u2013 a phase that has lasted from birth to now, but here\u2019s to keeping that hope alive. I also get that she is just a kid whose ability for empathy is slim to none.<\/p>\n

I am the grownup. I remind myself of this by the hour when she cries for her dad while we eat lunch and she asks how many hours until he is home again. I remind myself again when she wants him to be the last one to kiss her at bedtime and again when he needs to be the first one to see her write her name and tie her shoes. We try so hard as parents not to play favorites. I just wish they would do the same.<\/p>\n

I want her to want me.<\/h1>\n

I want that feeling of being chosen. I shouldn\u2019t need it. Her twin brother loves everyone with an equanimity that even I can\u2019t muster. And her older brother is the same. There is plenty of love to go around in our house. But when she runs around me to get to my husband when we come home from a date night, it\u2019s going to sting.<\/p>\n

I tell myself that I am not in middle school anymore and this has more to do with the fact that she averages approximately 10 more hours a day with me than him. I am the old toy and he will forever be the new. But man, those words \u201cI don\u2019t want you\u201d leave a mark. I try not to let her see me get upset more than the obligatory \u201cthat hurts Mommy\u2019s feelings, can you say you\u2019re sorry?\u201d with the best poker face I can summon.<\/p>\n

But I have walked away to grab a Kleenex. I have locked onto my Headspace meditation app like it\u2019s a personalized meeting with the Dalai Lama. And I have reached into my vault of affirmations and picked a few to carry me through:<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes the bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up.\u201d<\/em>\u2013 Brene Brown<\/strong><\/h2>\n

\u201cI like you very much. Just as you are.\u201d<\/em> \u2013 Mark Darcy, \u201cBridget Jones\u2019s Diary\u201d<\/strong><\/h2>\n

\u201cLet it go.\u201d \u2013<\/em> Elsa, \u201cFrozen\u201d<\/strong><\/h2>\n

And it works most of the time. Because the truth is, I know exactly why she prefers her dad. It\u2019s because I birthed a Mini Me. She is a mover and a shaker and the very strong yin to her twin\u2019s easygoing yang. We are two waves crashing into each other more often than not. One day, if I\u2019m lucky the tides will shift and we will roll together in easy harmony.<\/p>\n

But for now, I\u2019ll hug the dog a little longer than necessary and continue to take up the mantle of second place. Because that\u2019s what moms do \u2026 we fill in the gaps. We are the mortar that holds the family together and everybody who\u2019s anybody knows it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*This article originally appeared o<\/a>n<\/a> Parent.com<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cI don\u2019t want you. I don\u2019t want you. I don\u2019t want you.\u201d It\u2019s the phrase we fear in the deepest darkest pit of our psyches where junior high dates and first periods go to die. It\u2019s the phrase that spills angst all over our best laid plans for autonomy. Now put that on repeat and blast it on your biggest 80s boom box and you\u2019ve got a sense of my current mental state. No woman …<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4344,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[21,86,23,26],"tags":[97,46,459,176,48,74,209,55,136,16,63,54,84,29],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/mom-gene.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/01\/girl-1641215_1920-e1515766871480.jpg?fit=1920%2C1084&ssl=1","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p8ca5p-181","jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mom-gene.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4341"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mom-gene.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mom-gene.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mom-gene.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mom-gene.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4341"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/mom-gene.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4341\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4673,"href":"https:\/\/mom-gene.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4341\/revisions\/4673"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mom-gene.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4344"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mom-gene.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4341"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mom-gene.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4341"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mom-gene.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4341"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}