Follow the Leader
I had the privilege of speaking to the women in my church a few weeks ago. I was nervous, of course I was. Speaking in front of teenagers when I taught English, no problem. But speaking in front of my peers, friends, acquaintances and strangers is an entirely other monster under the bed.
We met on a Wednesday morning on the top floor of our Sunday school building in the room I affectionately call, “the aerie”. It’s big and open, and one entire wall of windows reveals the hills of Tennessee. You could do yoga up there. You could do some serious praying up there. You could also get really nervous and use those hills as your fixed points, like you do on a boat when you want to puke. I prayed and did that last thing.
The thing about public speaking, for me at least, is the anticipation. I can’t plan what I say, because only the Lord knows what’s going to come out of my mouth, bloopers and all. But once I’m up there I’m usually good. It’s the minutes, days, weeks and months up until I take the microphone that have me twitching.
My testimony and tale of how I came to write Unbound: Finding Freedom from Unrealistic Expectations of Motherhood, was at 10 a.m. I dropped Charlie off at preschool at 8:30. And then I kept myself as busy as possible in between. I went to Michael’s, the craft store, to drop of all three kids’ pictures to be framed. I do it every year. And the same guy helps me every time. Today was the first time he asked, “does your little boy have special needs?”
“Yes, he has cerebral palsy,” I said, two-stepping at the counter because I was nervously watching the clock like a countdown to kickoff.
He gently took the pictures from their plastic sleeves and laid them out on the framing table. “My nephew has cerebral palsy,” he said then.
And that’s how it happened. We got to talking about Charlie and his nephew, who is now 38, and how he has changed his uncle’s life for the better. I told him I hoped that was true of the people who meet Charlie too. We had a moment. And I forgot to be nervous. This talk, apparently, was also what God had planned for me that morning and it was just as significant as the one that would follow.
I got to church still nervous. Nerves are not sensible things. Despite my conversation with the framer, they still rebelled, roiling like eels somewhere in my midsection.
I recognized many faces. I hugged a few and tried to remember the name of more. And then it was time and the introductions were over and the microphone was in my hand and I still didn’t know what I was going to say. And then the ripple in my voice smoothed out as I began to talk about framer.
The story of my motherhood and my Charlie is, at its crux, a story of connection. It is how God dragged me out of my bubble of competency and let me tumble in with the rest of the world, leaning on the people God brought alongside. The framer is just one reminder that I am not alone, and should not be, despite my deepest desires to retire by the fire and let everyone else continue on their merry way. Charlie brings this out in me and everyone he meets. He is a beacon.
I could not have said this as well as I did without letting go of my agenda or the need to have things note-carded and rehearsed. There were pauses for tears as I felt, really felt God giving me the message one word at a time. It was an exercise in exactly what I was talking about – letting God lead the way and being vulnerable in the most public sense because we don’t have to “have it together” for people to love us and understand us. In fact, I would argue, it’s much easier to love the fumblers because they are honest. Life is a fumble and God wants us to know we will be caught and cared for.
If you’re feeling that tug to present yourself as more together than you are, I get it. If you’re feeling the need to control your day, your relationships, your home, your leisure time, I get it. It’s the reality we live in to be autonomous and imperious in our capabilities. But it is so nice to let it go every now and then. It’s so nice to see what God can do when He makes the first move and we get to follow.
Also, here’s the kids pictures because I’ve talked about them too long not to show you…
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A big thank you from Jamie on The Mom Gene!
